Day 247

I hit my breaking point today. An hour ago I just snapped. Went ape shit kicking the door to the basement, hellbent on destroying it before Dawn pulled me away and got me to calm down. Looks like I've got a lot of anger to deal with, still. (And now a door to replace.)

A few months ago, I was done with ETI. I was over working there and ready for something else.  And then I got pulled back in with the promise of a lucrative payout if I stayed until the company was sold. Turns out that was bullshit. 

I was hoping for enough money where I could not work for a couple of years and not have to worry about finances. With that now out the window, I feel like I'm having to hit a hard reset in terms of where I go next as I doubt that I can afford to chase my life's dreams. Instead, I'll have to find another job at another company. Not an exciting prospect at 54. But right now, I'm so fucking angry that I can't think clearly. I feel like I've been conned. Hornswoggled. Bush winked. Bamboozled. Whatever it is called when someone, using the promise of some eventual payoff, gets you to do what you don't want to. I'm a fucking idiot. 

To make matters worse, I'm having ongoing issues with my house and my back. On the house front, I'm playing problem whack-a-mole. It's when  you are working to resolve one problem and a new one (problem) suddenly crops up. Yesterday, I uncovered a leak with the supply line to the dishwasher. And by "uncovered", I mean that I looked up in the storage room in the basement only to see water dripping out of the ceiling. I found this while working to put Dawn's office back together after getting the new floors installed. I ended up in the basement looking for an electrical box because the idiot at AT&T  who installed the original DSL service in the house and ran the wiring decided not install a box in the wall, opting instead to screw the faceplate directly into the drywall. Of course it didn't last. One tug of the cat-5 cable after it was connected and the wall plate all but fell off of the wall. Getting the new electrical box should not have been difficult, and yet I still somehow managed to fuck it up. Good thing I bought 2 boxes instead of just one. Once I think I have it all ready to go, I come to find out that the bottom receptacle of both power outlets on the same wall as the computer jack are dead. Another new problem for m to deal with. Remember, it's called "problem whack-a-mole" for a reason. 

While I'm working in Dawn's office to install the new electrical box, we figure out that there is water leaking in the refrigerator. From exactly where we are not sure. All that is known is that when we open the refrigerator door there is a puddle of water on the top of the freezer drawer. We've since deduced that the water is coming from the ice maker which is in the door of the fridge but why it's leaking water is a mystery. We have also come to realize that the freezer is not working. Again, no idea why it's stopped working but it has. After my meltdown, Dawn made the executive decision to contact a repair person. They should be here any time. So while I'm not going to have to triage and repair the fridge / freezer, I will have to replace (or repair?) the outlets in Dawn's office that are not working. And I will have to repair the drywall in the basement storage room and repaint the ceiling. All of which I will get to do with a bad back. 

Tearing out the old flooring has proven to be costly in terms of the toll it took on me physically. For the last 2 weeks, I have had intermittent but serious, debilitating pain in my low back. Like can't move and can hardly breathe debilitating. I went to the chiropractor and the massage therapist but that hasn't helped at all; either or both together may have actually made my back hurt more instead of less. I was supposed to go again this afternoon but I canceled at the last minute. No reason to keep throwing away money on a solution that isn't working. 

On top of all of this, I was already on edge after this morning's session with Andrea. Dawn had a rough go of it for a couple of days last week. As we got into today's discussion, I could feel my mood slipping, the feelings of "meh" being replaced with sadness and anger. Adding it all up, it was a powder keg looking for a spark. And boy did ETI deliver. 

I was so mad this afternoon that I spent time typing out my resignation on my iPhone ready to send to my boss (as a text message) with one simple push of a button. I have not sent it as of yet, but the day is not over and there is always tomorrow. In the meantime I have gone back and declined every meeting invite that I had already accepted for the next three weeks and blocked out my calendar all day, every day for the same timeframe. I also deleted Teams from my phone and shut it and Outlook down on laptop. I am not happy and I'm past the point where I much care a) who knows it or b) what anyone is going to do about it. I'll keep myself busy writing documentation and making marketing videos. I don't need to talk to anyone. 

I need a drink.