Day 239

Balance. It's something that I've been thinking about the last few days, trying to determine how to divvy up my time thinking about the Before vs. living in the After. Too much of one and not enough of the other is no bueno, so it comes down to one thing: balance. 

As far as I know, there are no instructions on how to find a healthy mix. I do, however, think it's easy to spot when the mix disproportionately favors one or the other. I've met people in both camps: those who can't leave the past and those who run from it. What's ironic is that both do it for the same reason – to not do what they are doing would be too painful.

If I had to assign myself to one group or the other, I probably lean more toward looking forward. I can and do look back, but most of the time I don't do so actively. Usually, it's a sense that triggers a memory from the Before. This may lead to other memories but eventually the trip down memory lane comes to end and I'm back in the After thinking about what I'm doing now or what comes next. With the benefit of time, most of my flashes of the Before don't elicit much of an emotional response. They just are. I think this may be one of the reasons why I've been questioning how healthy the balance I have is. 

I'm ok looking forward, living this new life here in the After, but I want to feel more. Every now and then, when I think of Damian, I can just sense at the periphery of my emotions something incredibly powerful, overwhelming. It rushes past, sucking the wind out of me as it goes by, and then it's gone. A zephyr without any trace of its existence. But I know it was there because I felt it, something, however brief. This makes me want to plumb the depths of the Before, trying to find whatever it is that will allow me to lock onto this thing, this emotion, this wave, and see where it will take me. To feel all the feels. But I don't spend my time marinating in the Before. Instead, I stay preoccupied with life in the After: work, house projects, Dawn, the next big chapter of our lives. 

So back to the question of balance. I think, all things considered, I'm doing ok, if not pretty good, at keeping a healthy perspective between the past, present and the future. Is it perfect? No, but I'm not striving for that. At the end of the day, I want to find joy (again) and maybe, someday, happiness. To that end, I think I'm on the right path. Balanced. 

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