Day 275

What is real? I don't recall asking myself this question before Damian died, but now that he's gone, I'm giving it a lot of thought. It usually comes on the heels of me thinking about Damian and then wondering if he was real. As in: Did he really exist?

Of course, I know that Damian was real.  The pain that I experienced is evidence enough of this. I do believe, however, that my mind struggles with this because it can't process his sudden and irrevocable absence. It's hard to accept consciously. I can't begin to pretend to understand what it's doing to my subconscious. All I can see is the byproduct – my monkey brain asking weird questions and struggling to find the right answers...

Yesterday I accepted an invitation to go sailing / racing at the end of October. I had the opportunity to crew in a race this coming weekend, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes. Saying ok to the end of October feels safe. Probably because with so many weeks between now and then, I can still back out if it doesn't feel right. I don't know that I will go through with it – I still get twitchy thinking about the sailing club – but I don't have to decide today.

Speaking of Damian and sailing, I am frustrated with the lack of progress with the memorial fund that Dawn and I are working to set up in Damian's honor - The Damian Beisner Memorial Fund. We have our part of all ready to go, but we are waiting, and have been for some time, for the 501.3c that will "own" the fund to be approved by the IRS. My frustration stems from the fact that the person responsible for the getting this done is not communicating with me or giving me any peace of mind that it's moving forward. What makes this even more frustrating is this isn't the first time we've had issues with getting the memorial established. A few months ago, I had to take control of it away from another person who had their own agenda with regard to who would be eligible to receive monies from the fund. Given what Dawn and I have gone through, I feel like it shouldn't be this hard. But then I remind myself that the universe doesn't owe me, her or us anything. It will be what it will be. All we can decide is how we respond to it. 

Right now, as I type this, I'm not responding well. I feel dejected and worn down. Tired.




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