Shattered Glass

Last week was good for me. I worked out every day and was productive at work. So win - win.  A couple of weeks ago, I decided to give Crossfit another try. I had done it for about 3 years back in the mid teens (circa 2015 – 2018). I don't remember exactly why I quit going but suspect it was a combination of being burned out and irritated with some of the coaches and other members. Since leaving Crossfit, I worked out, off and on, at home doing a lot of the same exercises that I did while still a member. I now have a small Crossfit gym at home with much of the same equipment...that I have rarely used since Damian died. I was mostly content to see it gathering dust until I got back the results of my last physical three weeks ago.  I go in for a physical every 2 years, always on my even birthdays. Turning 54 (back in June) it was time for another one. The exam itself is kind of a joke – a few general questions ("Does anything hurt?", "How are you sleeping?"), a ste...

I continue to be surprised (?) by how "little things" have the ability squeeze my heart, to make me feel the loss of Damian more acutely, without warning.  On Friday, I had to drop my truck off at the service station for an oil change. Dawn followed behind to take me back to the house. On the way home we passed Roberts Elementary. Although Damian went to Roberts for kindergarten, I don't usually give it much thought as I pass by it regularly since it's so close to the house. On Friday, the electronic marquee in front of the school had a banner celebrating the incoming 5th grade class announcing them as "The Class of 2031". I don't know what it was exactly about this that caught my attention, but I could feel the sadness welling up inside me almost instantly. Damian was supposed to graduate high school in 2024, but yeah, not going to happen. By the time these kids that are about to start 5th grade are gearing up for their second semester of 10th grade, th...

Somewhere my count of the days has gotten off. When I first titled this blog entry I had it listed as Day 220. I just checked it (with the help of Excel) and see that it's been (only?) 218 days since Damian died.  I'll have to check my earlier posts to see where it went wrong. Well, I know where it went wrong. That was sometime late the night of December 10th or early the following morning. I don't know when exactly Damian died, but at this point it doesn't matter. Not really. It wouldn't make any difference one way or the other. Gone is still gone.  Time has made a difference though. I'm finding it easier to talk to people about Damian. Sharing stories, memories. The sting that I used to feel is mostly gone but I'm fairly certain this is somewhat situational, based on who I'm talking to. I'm comfortable sharing with people that I'm close to but have not tested it yet with strangers. Up to this point, I just haven't felt compelled to share th...

Last week was long and lonely. Dawn was, and still is, out of town visiting her parents. I felt very isolated. Alone. I rarely left the house. So of course my mind went to some dark places, lines of thought that I can best describe as "unhealthy".  If not for the Lexapro I'm on, I wonder how bad it would have gotten. I am very thankful right now that I'm taking it. Another point for Andrea for recommending it.  One of the places that my brain went was why I don't have more friends. I feel like I can count on one hand the number of true friends that I have; two (hands) if I'm being generous. After that, everybody I know feels like more of an acquaintance - people that I'm comfortable being around but don't actively socialize with unless our paths happen to cross. I feel like I get along with people when I'm around them, but that very few people actively seek me out. My phone rarely rings with an invitation to do, well, anything. I don't know why...

I was bored this afternoon so spent a few minutes scrolling through Dawn's Facebook page. When I first opened it up, there was a picture from 10 years ago today of me and Damian at the 4th of July parade in Cumming, GA. Until I saw the picture I had forgotten all about this 4th of July tradition of ours. The three of us – me, Dawn and Damian – went to the parade for two or three years in a row. The big draw was the steam tractors. Damian loved them. He was going through his tractor phase at the time and was just enthralled by the sights and sounds of the big, noisy, mechanical beasts. I enjoyed them, too. It was pretty cool seeing something so big lumbering along knowing that it was powered only by boiling water. And man were they loud. The steam whistles could pierce right through you. After the first year, we were better prepared and brought ear plugs.  Damian was a little boy during the years we attended the 4th of July parade. It was fun and rewarding watching him grow, from ba...

It's the 3rd of July and I have no desire to celebrate anything. Dawn left me (again!) this morning. Another trip to Iowa to visit her parents. And she's going to a thing next Saturday for a close friend in Omaha. She won't be back home until the 16th. 2 weeks (!) I'll be home alone. My monkey brain is going to have a field day... Last week I started thinking about the 2nd half of 2022. Now that we are past the halfway point, I'm starting to feel the pull of the holidays. I know how fast the time will go. It will be that much faster than last year, which was just that much fast than the year before. I spoke to Dawn about it the other day. I said that I might want pecan pie for Thanksgiving. To which she replied, "I'm not going to celebrate the holidays this year." After a moment's reflection she modified her declaration by adding, "Well, I'll probably be ok with Thanksgiving, but I'm probably never going to celebrate Christmas again....