Shattered Glass

It's hard to control my monkey brain. Without any help from me, it likes to think weird stuff. Today it was all about "what ifs".  For example: What if Damian hadn't died? What would he be doing now? And then my mind races off considering all kinds of different possibilities. Damian is wrapping up his end of year school projects, stressing about finals and complaining about both and school in general until the last day of the term. He is buying "cool" stuff on Amazon for his computer or his car. He is sailing on Wednesday nights and some weekends. We are in Charleston this weekend for their big annual regatta. This then leads me to wondering how things would have changed for Dawn and I had nothing out of the ordinary happened all those weeks ago. Some of it is easy to see: Dawn and I did not take trips to New Mexico, Colorado, and Arizona. Sarasota happens but Dawn doesn't go; it's just me and Damian. None of the house projects are done. We don't...

Still feeling raw about the sailing club. I just can't shake the anger that I have over how they have mismanaged things since Damian died. It all boils down to one simple fact: they have done nothing to honor him or preserve his legacy.  I did the math today. Damian was a presence at the club from age 6 to 15 3/4. Almost a full decade!. From the time we joined the club in 2012 until his death at the end of 2021, Damian spent a LOT of time there. Not just showing up to play in the lake time either. He was there for training, regattas, series events, social events, etc. For the last 3 years, almost all of his racing was against other adults. And to this day, there has not been one mention of him in any club or fleet correspondence. Nothing. No outreach to me or Dawn to see what the club can be done to honor him.  While I'm trying desperately to preserve his memory for as long as possible, it appears the members of the sailing club have already moved on or just forgotten him. It ...

Do I expect too much from people? Once again, I'm really annoyed with the sailing club or, to be fair, a person in a leadership position at the sailing the club.  After nearly 3 months of complete radio silence from anyone regarding the memorial fund being set up in Damian's name, I decided today to take action and sent emails to the two people who could shed light on that status of this. I heard back from both. The short version is that money was given to the club back in February to put into the fund, paperwork had been filed with the government and apparently accepted. And then nothing. Zip. Nada. Only now that I reached and asked did the person ostensibly in charge of overseeing the memorial fund send me the updated charter and ask me to give it another read. Which begs the question: how long would this have sat idle had I said nothing? Hard for me not assume the worst and think "forever".  Once again, people demonstrate to me through their action, or in this case...

Every now and then I stumble across something that, for one reason or another, makes me do double take.  Last night I experienced a moment like this when I came across the following passage while reading before bed: "Long after the firefly had disappeared, the trail of its light remained inside me, its pale, faint glow hovering on and on in the thick darkness behind my eyeballs like a lost soul.  More than once I tried stretching my hand out in that darkness. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond their grasp."   From the novel Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami My heart skipped a beat the first time I read this, my mind immediately drawing the parallel between the words on the page and the experience of losing Damian. It was like the author had written these words knowing what I was going to feel and why.  While I, or we, never called Damian  "firefly" they are, in one aspect, largely interchangeable. Firefly was the name Damian gave t...

This May will mark 18 years since I moved to Georgia. From Nebraska! That's a long time to live in one place. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about where Dawn and I will go next, after Georgia – I'm getting restless; ready for something new. I've never loved Georgia but I don't hate it either. Not anymore. I did for awhile but that was because I wasn't prepared mentally for what I was doing when we move here. I thought I was, but I was naive. I'd lived in Omaha for 23 years and took a lot for granted. Like the ease and convenience of getting anywhere regardless of the day of the week or the time of day. Or the simplicity of navigating its airport, Eppley Airfield. (Five minutes from parking garage to gate was very doable; it if was busy, ten minutes.) The midwestern sensibility and pragmatism. Here, south of the Mason-Dixon line, it felt like everything and everyone was different. It took several years to make the adjustment but I'm glad that we stuck i...

"We never get past our grief. We just learn to live with it." I've seen this written in several of the grief books we were given after Damian died. I've also heard one or two parents express this sentiment during group sessions. Maybe it's premature for me to weigh in on the veracity of this axiom, but it feels right. I won't ever forget Damian or stop feeling the sorrow and the longing brought on by his absence. Having said this, I do believe there is a difference, however, in processing one's grief versus just living with it.  I made a decision early on that I was not going to hide from my grief or to simply "live with it". I could have quit my job, quit my marriage, quit my life. I could have easily started drinking again. (Who would hold that against me?) Instead I went the opposite route. I sought professional help and took to heart the instructions that were given to me by the person I entrusted to show me how to rebuild the foundation of m...

Another memory of Damian by one of his classmates that was shared with us not long after Damian died.  Dear Mr. and Mrs. Beisner, As I came to Lakeview, Damian was one of the first people I had met. He was a great friend, defending those close to him, and finding peaceful solutions when problems arose. I sat next to him in AP World History and would compete against him in Slope instead of doing classwork, and if our teacher ever came over we would minimize the window and act like we were doing classwork. To me Damian was the perfect example of a friend, and he taught me how to be a better person to those around me.  Sincerely,  Malachi Malachi,  Thank you for sharing your memory of Damian. He was great at doing what he wanted vs. what he as supposed to be doing. There were a couple of times that I caught him gaming online when he was supposed to be in class via a Teams call. This happened in the first month after the start of the Covid lockdown. I was sharing my home...