Shattered Glass

I'm starting to feel the weight of Damian's absence. That may sound strange given that I've been writing lately about being ok most days. And while I have (had?) been doing ok, the last few days have been more difficult. I can't explain it but there is a heaviness that feels like it's increasing rather than lightening.  More and more, I find myself staring at the places I'm accustomed to seeing Damian. His chair at the dinner table, the stairs coming down from his bedroom, his computer desk in the basement. I can see him clearly enough in my mind's eye; I can hear his voice –  him yelling into his headset as he plays video games online with his friends or giving me the same one word answer when I ask how his day was – "Fine". I find myself looking at pictures of him on my phone and my computer, sometimes trying to remember the context in which a picture was taken, other times knowing without thinking the where and the when. There is usually this mo...

Early this morning I learned the following: The nominal blast radius of a full quart of unsweetened almond yogurt when dropped from a height of 4 1/2 feet onto a laminate wood floor is 7 feet 3 inches Isolated instances of yogurt traveling in excess of 10 feet are also a distinct possibility Dogs have no interest in eating unsweetened almond yogurt even if it is fresh out of the refrigerator, conveniently located on the kitchen floor and unguarded by humans It takes approximately 25 minutes and 3 gallons of water to clean up a quart of unsweetened almond yogurt that has been dropped onto laminate wood flooring from a height of 4 1/2 feet The clean up will require an additional 8 minutes and 1 gallon of water if there is carpet within the 7' 3" blast radius The time and number of gallons of water required to clean up the blast zone (inclusive of carpet) from a quart of unsweetened almond yogurt dropped from a height of 4 1/2 feet onto a laminate wood floor is unaffected by the ...

Having a bit of a rough afternoon. The morning was fine but things started to go down hill around lunch time. Thinking about lunch, I may also be a hangry. I didn't eat much today so that is probably contributing to my dark mood... Over the weekend, I put the car we bought for Damian for sale on Facebook. I don't have a Facebook account but Dawn does. Late this morning, I popped into her account to see if any messages had come in about the car. None had, but I did notice a post that caught my eye. It was from someone who is active in with the sailing club; she has a daughter that is a high school junior. We've known this family for 10 years so we've watched each other's kids grow up. 'The post was all about college visits this past weekend. It was obvious from the pictures they had a lot of fun; I could also feel the parental pride coming through the post. Who wouldn't be proud helping their son or daughter find their next place in life? I know I was looking...

The Monday after Damian died, Lakeview held an emergency meeting with the middle school and upper school students and faculties. Both Dawn and I had a strong need to be at the school and help the kids get through this so early that morning we trundled off to school. When we  arrived, there were lots of tears and hugs. I also had many people ask me if there is anything I, or we, needed. My answer in the moment was always this: "If you have any stories of Damian that you would like to share with us, please write them down. We would love to read them." And I meant it. I really did want to hear their memories of Damian. For the last couple of months I've been sitting on a folder full of Damian stories. Dawn encouraged me to read them not long after they were first given to us. I don't know why I didn't, but I finally got around to reading some of them tonight. And they did not disappoint. Some of the stories are funny; some are more a recollection of their perception ...

I'm losing the war against the mole(s?). The kind that burrow underground and tear up lawns in the process. Not the other kind of mole, although I do have a couple of those as well.  It all started about 3 years ago when I noticed some soft spots in the backyard. At first I thought nothing of it but then I noticed they were getting more frequent. When I finally started paying closer attention, it was clear that something was burrowing under the grass. So I did what any self-respecting 50-something guy who puts too much time into babying his yard does, I went to the store to buy something to kill them. Wasn't sure what it was going to be until I had a chance to see what options were available. First time out, I opted for granules that you sprinkle on top of the grass. After a month or so, it was clear those didn't work so I went back to the store and bought smoke bombs. The idea is that you light the fuse and stick it into the tunnel and smoke 'em out. Or the smoke is su...

Had some close calls today. The perils of being all alone in a big house toiling away on a mindless activity (painting). I traveled back in time - 15 weeks to the day - to 8AM Saturday, December 11, 2021. When I found Damian's body. It's a painful memory for obvious reasons. Later, I was in my shop and remembered where I laid him down. On the cold, cement floor. These memories and images still haunt me and likely will forever. They just haven't been as frequent the last few weeks so they caught me by surprise. I wobbled a little, but didn't fall down. I don't know if not falling down is good or bad at this point. Maybe Andrea will tell me when I see her Monday morning... When Dawn and I were at Lakeview on Wednesday to hand out donuts to the students and faculty, a couple of the moms of Damian's close friends also came to school that day to see us. They knew it was his birthday and why we were at the school. Scott's mom, Valerie, who we've gotten to know...

The end of another week. Quick math (on my phone's calculator app) shows 15. Apparently time also flies when you are not having fun. Although that is a bit of stretch. I may not be having a super great time 24 / 7, but I'm doing ok. No qualifications this time. And surprisingly, almost no guilt. Which makes me question whether I'm really just an unfeeling robot disguised as a human. If I am (a robot), please don't tell me... Home alone tonight and also probably tomorrow night. Dawn left early this morning for Bristol, Tennessee to visit her cousin, Marilyn, who came down from Minnesota with her husband and assortment of children, spouses and grandchildren. Marilyn's son is into dirt track stock car racing, a love that was undoubtedly passed down by his father, aka Marilyn's husband Randy. (We father's have a tendency to do that. Full credit to the moms, too. I just can't speak for them since I'm not one. But I might be a robot, so nothing is really f...

I had to go into the office today. I was really torn...about what to wear.  Since the pandemic started, I've worn shorts and a (nice) t-shirt almost every day of the week. On chillier days I would also throw on a sweatshirt. But never pants. NEVER. Not unless you count the track pants that I occasionally slip on over my shorts. My footwear of choice is always Keen Coronado canvas sneakers with ankle-length gray athletic socks. While my ensemble isn't going to win any fashion awards, it is extremely comfortable and, shall we say, "shabby chic".  My pre-pandemic wardrobe was much different. I would wear custom made dress shirts with expensive and stylish dress shoes. Pants were a mix of comfortable-but-attractive mass production non-denims (mostly from Kuhl) and tailor made slacks. On occasion, I would throw on a pair of Levis but this was mostly on Fridays. If I felt like turning up the heat, I might also throw on one of my bespoke sport coats. Yes, I spent money on cl...

Today is (was?) Damian's birthday. He would have turned 16. Sigh... I've been dreading this day for the last couple of weeks. I feared the worst: lots of pain, sorrow and tears. As the day nears its end, I can say that none of that really happened. Yes, I was sad and I felt the pain of Damian's absence but it wasn't despair or a free fall into the abyss. It was ok. I give a lot of credit for this to Dawn.  Knowing that she didn't want to spend the day inside and miserable, Dawn reached out a few days ago to , the Lakeview's head of school and assistant head of school, Dr. Montgomery and Mr.  Simpson, to get their approval for us bringing in donuts today for the students and faculty. Of course, they agreed to Dawn's request. So this morning, bright and early, Dawn and I picked up twenty dozen donuts and brought them to Lakeview. The kids were all jazzed to get free donuts and I'm sure the faculty and staff ate their share as well. While it may have been a...

The following is an email that I sent to my colleagues and friends at ETI not long after Damian died. I wanted to acknowledge their love and kindness in the days following his death... January 4, 2022 To My ETI Friends and Family,     December 11, 2021 will forever be a day of excruciating grief for me and my wife Dawn. Future anniversaries of this day will undoubtedly be filled with sorrow, melancholy and remembrances of a life that once was – one that we held so dear – but is no longer. But we will also remember the unconditional support and outpouring of love that we received from our ETI family, all of you, in the hours, days and weeks following the news of   Damian ’s death.     To tell you that we appreciated what you did for us would be a disservice to what it meant to us in those first few days. It gave us the strength that we needed to get out of bed, to do the things that needed to be done. Because we knew that we had an entire extended family grieving...

"Grief is not measured by the quantity of our tears."  Several of my posts have centered around my feelings of guilt. Guilt for not being more distraught. Guilt for enjoying myself more than seems appropriate. For laughing. For spending big chunks of my day not thinking about Damian. And on and on and on.  I bawled my eyes out the day Damian died and a few times thereafter, but on the whole, my eyes have remained dry. Because I'm often with Dawn when she succumbs to the unbearable weight of Damian's absence, I feel guilty that I can't express my grief in the same way... During this morning's counseling session, Andrea was praising Dawn and I on how well we are doing. She said that we are handling our situation better than most in terms of our progress and acceptance of our circumstance. She attributed much of what we've accomplished to our diligence with writing every day and talking to each other, as husband and wife, about how we feel. About what has hap...

The forecast this week calls for showers and scattered thunderstorms on Wednesday. Chance of rain 90%. That is the only rain in the forecast for the next week and a half. Seems about right.  Wednesday is Damian's birthday. Our first major calendar event since he died. For the record I'm not counting Christmas and New Years as I was still in shock. Pretty sure the shock has mostly worn off now so this Wednesday, his birthday, will be the real deal. My personal forecast also calls for the strong possibility of storms on Wednesday. Chance of rain also 90%. For Dawn, I feel safe setting the chance of rain at 100%...  I always enjoyed celebrating Damian's birthdays. It was fun to give him things that he either really wanted or totally didn't expect but still loved. On his 7th birthday, we gave him a sailboat. It was his very own Optimist ("Opti") dinghy. Hull # 19983, "Firefly". He was over the moon when we gave it to him but also bummed out that we would...

Today marks 14 weeks in the After. It's hard to accept that so much time has already gone by but here we are.  I spent today helping my friend John work on his boat. He's getting the boat ready to have the bottom painted so today was all about preparation which came in the form of sanding. Lots and lots of sanding. Like 5 hours of sanding. Each! It was dusty, hot and monotonous. And I loved every minute of it. I was helping a close friend get through an unenviable task. Could he have done it alone? Yes, but it would have taken a lot longer and been difficult to stay motivated until it was finished. By doing it together, John and I could talk to each other, commiserate in the shared misery of sanding for several hours and just be ourselves. It brings to mind the adage "misery loves company". John thanked me several times for helping him but in all honesty there is no place that I would have rather been today. Except for maybe hanging out with Dawn who I learned later w...

Feeling...what? Not sure what label to put on how I feel right now.  I just got home from the Lakeview Robotics team dinner and award ceremony where several minutes of the evening's program were spent remembering Damian. Dawn and I were presented with a framed patch that included the signatures of his team members and coaches. Damian was (posthumously) presented with the "Chain" award for connecting everyone on the team and faculty together. And finally, there was a slide show dedication that was all Damian. I'm sure that his friends had a big hand in putting it together. It was a touching tribute. One that I wasn't really prepared for mentally. Another opportunity to say goodbye. Again...  I love that his coach, Mikhail and his teammates did this for him and for us. To remind me (us) that Damian was important to them, too; that he won't soon be forgotten. At the end of the day, this what I want most - to know that the memory of Damian lives on in others, not ...

I received another email today from Dawn's college roommate and close friend, Kelly. She had read my post from yesterday and was encouraging me to do the things that I wanted to do, not toil away at a job that no longer satisfies me. I appreciate that she reached out (again). It was a welcome reminder that there are people out there who genuinely care for me.    Staying engaged with someone who is hurting is an incredibly precious gift. The only thing it costs is time. I wish more people could see the value in this. 

Not doing so hot today. Things got off to a rocky start when I got woken up at 5:30 by one our dogs. Jasper, the older of the two, decided he needed to bark at something. As is most often the case, it was at nothing, just some figment of his dog imagination that once again put him into a barking frenzy. Of course I've been awake ever since. Dumb dog.  I spent the day researching how our new product works. I do this by going into a non-production instance of the application and tinkering with different settings, configurations, and processes. The point of the exercise is to learn more about the application's capabilities so I can show prospective clients how it works and what it can do for them. While I enjoy meeting new people and talking to them about ETI and our products, I am burned out. I've been with ETI almost 18 years and am ready to move on to other things. My urge to leave, however, is being overridden by greed. (Apologies if I've gone down this road before. Fe...

I just got done watching a video of Damian and I sailing together that was taken a year ago. He and I went out with our friend Patrick on Patrick's boat - a VX1 (hull # 177). The day was overcast and windy. The water still cold as it was only mid-March. And we had a great time...Even if we were partially frozen by the time we got back to the dock.  We had mounted the GoPro on the back of the boat so it would capture the three of us at it recorded. I remember that we had an issue with the spinnaker and elected not to fly it. Probably the right call since I wasn't anxious to go swimming given the temperature of the water. It really didn't matter though. At one point, we hit 16 knots reaching with just the main and the jib. White water was spraying up from the bow as we kept our foot on the gas. It was an epic afternoon.  March 18, 2021 - Damian (front), Me and Patrick (driving) on the VX1 What I also remember about that day is how much fun it was to share that experience with...

Thinking about the war in Ukraine reminded me of the longest I'd ever been away from Damian.  It was in November of 2019 when I spent 3 weeks in Kyiv, Ukraine. I went there for work.  During the summer of 2019, the executive leadership of my company, ETI Software Solutions, made the decision to do a hard pivot in terms of our product strategy. Since the company's inception (1992), ETI has always sold products that were created (read: coded) in-house by our software engineers. While we might embed within our application some 3rd party software, we did this only in places where most software application companies do the same: operating systems (OS) and databases (DB). There are plenty of each available that are either good or very good at what they do. Given the highly specialized nature of operating systems and databases, it's almost always worth it to simply license and use an existing solution rather than code your own. These two exceptions notwithstanding, the rest of t...

Last night on the news there were multiple stories about the war in Ukraine. Several were focused on the humanitarian aspect. People sheltering below ground; people fleeing; the huge influx of refugees to Poland and other countries. One snippet really hit home: It was video of a young woman - maybe late 20s - kind of mumble-weeping while rocking back and forth holding a small child. Her child. According to the reporter, this was the son or daughter that had survived the Russian attack; her other child had been killed. It was clear from the video, the woman was in shock. Heavily traumatized. Her muttering all too familiar. It reminded me of the state I was in the day that Damian had died. Those first few hours after I found him.  What I don't know is if it would have been better, worse or the same to have had another child in that moment. Would the knowledge that I still have a surviving son or daughter have assuaged any of my grief? It probably wouldn't have made any differenc...

I slept in this morning. Well, I stayed in bed for a really long time after I woke up. Like almost lunch time. I didn't plan on it but after going to sleep very late last night, just didn't feel like getting up. Plus the weather was crappy - cold and very windy - so staying under the covers felt justified.  Today I  and several other sailing club members received an email from the event chair for next Saturday's 2022 sailing season kickoff dinner party informing us that there will be a moment of silence held in honor of all the members who have died during the last year. Everyone who was on this distribution had lost a parent, spouse, or child. The email went on to invite all of us to attend next Saturday's dinner party. As this is only a week away, I had written off any expectations that someone would reach out and recognize our loss. That said, I was surprised by by the email and spent a good portion of the afternoon drafting possible replies in my head.  Option 1 - n...

I continue to be surprised.  At one of the first meetings we had with our grief counselor, Andrea told us that during our journeys with grief some people would disappoint us while others would step up. She went on to say that it's hard to predict who will fall into which camp. Some who we think are close will go radio silent while others who were not close will shine like a lighthouse in the dark. Truer words have never been spoken. I have certainly seen my share of both.  Today I received an email from a college roommate and close friend of Dawn's. Kelly wanted to know how I was doing and was concerned that no one had been checking on me. I was blown away by her generosity and caring. Other than seeing Kelly the weekend after Damian died, I hadn't spoken to her or had any contact with her in years. To have her think of me and reach out was really touching. It brightened my whole day.  Earlier in the week I had an uplifting text exchange with a fraternity brother who I'...

Today I'm wondering how repetitive I'm being with my blog.  With very few exceptions I have not reread any of my previous posts. I do know, however, that I have covered the same topics and points of view on more than one occasion. It's not that I'm lazy and can't come up with something original; it's because I write in the moment, what I am thinking and feeling in the now, as I write. And yes, sometimes I retrace my steps. I think I've been doing this a lot more since Damian died. Just cycling through many of the same thoughts, feelings and memories as I try to make sense out of what happened, how his death has impacted me and how it will impact me and my life going forward. The bottom line is that it's not easy to process any of this. I think this is what the next several months are going to be about - trying to regain my equilibrium and to feel ok with it.  Assessing where I am now, I'm doing ok. I have some days like Monday where I'm sad and l...

Feeling like I have low energy tonight. Dawn and I just had dinner with the principal of Damian’s elementary school, McGinnis Woods Country Day School. We hadn’t seen Mary since long before Damian died; has to be at least 2 1/2 years ago but could easily be closer to 4. I vaguely remember going back to McGinnis Woods for an alumni day when Damian was in 8th grade. Feels like a lifetime ago. It’s weird how my relationship with time keeps changing as I get older - some things from my recent past seem really far away while other memories from much longer ago seem like only yesterday. Am guessing this happens to most of us as we age… Mary had a lot of questions about how we are doing, how we’ve survived thus far, what our plans are for the future. It was mostly one sided, almost like an interview but with warmth and compassion. While it was good to have such an intimate conversation with an old friend, I did feel drained by it. I could feel the lethargy setting in after the first hour. Loo...

Feeling better today. Credit goes to a good night of sleep.  I received a nice text from aunt this morning. (This is my dad’s sister.) She has been reaching out periodically since Damian died to let me know that she is thinking of me and Dawn. Her timing today was good. I was just looking at old pictures of Damian yesterday and had run across one of him with my aunt and uncle from January 2007. We had traveled to San Antonio to celebrate my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary. Damian was 10 months old and kind of butterball. In my reply to my Aunt I sent her a copy of the picture. Thought she might like it. I also sent her the last picture I took of Damian. I had taken it a couple of days before he died. Dawn’s mom had asked for a picture of the three of us that she could include in her Christmas cards.  Notice how warm and gentle Damian’s smile is? Nearly every picture we have of Damian he is smiling. Genuinely so. I don’t recall ever recall seeing a picture of him with one of t...

Today has been rough. This afternoon I stopped by the funeral home to pick up the death certificates. We ordered several as a precaution since we weren’t sure how many originals we will be asked to hand over to various institutions and agencies. I hadn’t been to the funeral home since the week after the visitation service when Dawn and I went there to pick up Damian’s ashes. Lots of memories came flooding in from our time there planning his funeral, attending the visitation and the cremation, but what really hit me hard was the death certificate. Our mortician, Bradley, asked me to review the details to make sure all the information was correct. And there it all was: Damian’s full name, his social security number, our address, his birth date, the date of his death, the cause of his death, how we disposed of his body. A life that once was now encapsulated on a single 8 x 11 form. The last official record of my son’s all-too-brief existence.  I hadn’t had such a vivid reminder in qui...

I'm feeling anti-social. Dawn is at an impromptu gathering with neighbors. Hard pass. Maybe next time.  I was recently asked by my grief counselor, Andrea, to spend more time exploring and writing about my feelings. The only feelings I ever seem to identify with are anger and its many dependent children, and guilt. I sometimes feel sad but I think a more apt name for it would be melancholy. Apparently even after all this time writing about what I'm going through day by day I still can't wiggle my ears (read: I can't feel the feels). Does that make me emotionally crippled? The irony is that I don't want to be this way. I just don't know how to change it.  I have empathy and compassion for others; probably more so than I do for myself. I've been beating myself up lately for gaining weight. The only person that cares if I'm fat or thin is me and I apparently I no longer care. Is it just me or is this starting sound like self-pity?  Best if I unplug now. I d...

I feel angry today. Resentful and bitter. Most of it directed toward the sailing club that I have been a member of since 2012.  When Dawn and I joined the sailing club in 2012, we had just taken a 6 year sabbatical from sailing. We had sold our previous boat in 2006 when Damian was born. Dawn wasn't comfortable having Damian on a sailboat at such a young age. Selling the boat and walking away from sailing wasn't that hard. I knew that we would come back to it eventually and I was super excited to be a dad. When we decided to get back into sailing in 2011 we went all in first buying a used boat and then chartering a boat in the Bahamas for a week. We had a great time. This was Damian's first experience sailing and he loved it. The used boat was in much need of some TLC so we spent almost a full year restoring it. We were turned onto the sailing club one day while shopping for boat parts at West Marine, a marine supply store. After filling out an application and being intervi...