Shattered Glass

I'm going on a business trip tomorrow. My first since Damian died. It will be short. I leave tomorrow for a meeting Thursday morning. If all goes according to plan, I should be home in time for dinner on Thursday. The worst part of this trip is that I will once again be forced to wear pants. I know, first world problems and all that. But still, I hate wearing pants.  I went on a lot of business trips during Damian's life. Fortunately for most of them I was gone only 2 or 3 days at a stretch and almost never over a weekend. As such, I was able to attend most of Damian's school functions. What I did miss out on was whatever drama was happening in our neighborhood at the time. During several of my trips, police, emergency services or the fire department paid a visit to our street.   One morning, a Korean neighbor knocked on our door and tried to convey to Dawn that something was wrong. Unable to get her point across verbally, she all but pulled Dawn outside and around t...

I just got back home from seeing the sequel to Top Gun. It was ok. Once again, Tom Cruise saves the day. Predictable.  What stands out for me is not the movie but the theater where I saw it. Movie Tavern is probably 10 years old. Prior to being a movie theater, the building was home to a Publix grocery store. I remember when Movie Tavern first opened. Dine-in theaters were all the rage at the time. Waiters would come and take your order at your seat – everything from standard movie fair to full fledged meals. And they served liquor which at the time they opened had some appeal.  The first time that the three of us went to Movie Tavern Damian was probably seven. I have no idea what we saw. It may have been the first Despicable Me or one of the Cars movies; Damian loved both of them. As we walked into the theater, I noticed that all the chairs were oversized recliners with a tray table attached to each one. On the end of the tray table closest to the pivot point (attached to the...

Had a nice dinner tonight with John and Rachel. It was good to see them. We are only fifteen minutes from each other, but given how infrequently we get together you would think we lived much further apart.  Talking tonight at dinner, I was struck by the casualness with which Dawn and I are able to tell anecdotes that center on Damian. Anyone not familiar with how recently all this started for us would, I'm sure, assume after listening to us talk that Damian had died at least two or three years ago. Definitely not last December.  There is a hint of guilt in writing that these words. Not strong or overpowering, just a vague sense of it. Like my brain is asking if I should feel guilty because it doesn't know the right answer.  There was one moment during dinner where I stumbled slightly. Dawn caught it and asked me if I was alright. I told her yes, which was honest. It had passed quickly and wasn't overwhelming. The thought or emotion that I had I'm familiar. It's the ...

Dawn and I just watched episode 1, season 4 of Stranger Things (ST). ST was one of Damian's favorite shows. At least the first season or two. I'm not sure how much he was still into it as his taste in television and movies was definitely maturing. He really liked Game of Thrones, save for the last season, and Breaking Bad. I think he was also watching Better Call Saul and Ozark. While those shows may have eclipsed ST in terms of how much he liked them, I'm sure that he would have watched this season, too.  The first episode is intense, especially the opening and closing scenes. But what caught my attention and got me to thinking about life outside of Hawkins, Indiana was the timeframe of the show. This episode finds the heroes of Hawkins in the spring semester of their freshman year of high school. The year is 1986. The year that I graduated from high school. Dawn, too.  I don't remember much from high school – my memory just isn't that good – but I do remember grad...

I miss my son. I want to talk to him. To hear his voice. I want to hear his laugh. This need or desire ebbs and flows. Sometimes, like now, the need is more acute. The sense that if I don't satisfy it somehow I will spiral downward palpable. Other times I don't think about it at all, my mind preoccupied by whatever it is that isn't thoughts of him. But now I'm thinking about Damian, wishing so hard that I could put my arms around him, tell him again that I love him and am proud of him.  Of course I can speak to him anytime that I like as though he were in the room with me, but right now that is not enough. Like a cheap parlor trick, speaking to the void is something to placate the mind and soul when in reality, it really is just a placebo. I know this feeling will pass as they always have, but that doesn't make it any less real or less painful. These are the times when I feel pain. Knowing exactly what I want and also knowing that it's something that I can't...

This week would have marked the end of 10th grade for Damian. The last day of school for Lakeview was Tuesday. Had I never left the Before, I would have seen it as another year of high school accomplished. The three of us would probably be going somewhere nice for dinner tonight or tomorrow to celebrate. Here in the After, I am wrapping up a long week of work trying not to dwell too much on what could – should? – have been: two more years of high school and then off to college where the real fun begins. It makes me sad thinking about it now. The promise of an incredible future erased. Gone.  I'm vulnerable tonight to these darker thoughts. It's been a long couple of weeks of work. As of late this afternoon, the cause for my long hours and late nights is now over. At least for a few days, until the next deadline presents itself. The release of tension and anxiety that comes form getting through, over, or past the present challenge has given my brain the time and permission to ro...

The numbers tell the story: 21 people are dead, 19 of them children. 42 moms and dads whose lives were shattered the instant the gunman's bullet found its mark and took the life of their child. 164 grandparents and an untold number of siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends all gut punched because an 18 year old with access to weapons and ammunition decided for whatever reason that he needed to kill little kids. And what better place to find them than in a school.  My heart goes out to all of them, but especially the parents. While the circumstances of Damian's death are drastically different than yesterday's senseless barbarism, the fact remains that Dawn and I know all too well the acute grief that comes from losing a child. Their journey in the After has just begun. Their time with grief will be long and painful. With the passing of time, it may become less so, but now is not the time to look into the future. They must live in the now as the trauma of yesterday enve...

I think I've lost my ability to be outraged. I should be chew-through-steel angry right now but all I can muster is a shoulder shrug. Call me cynical, but it's simply not going to change much as I want that not be true.  We needed the leadership of this country to make fundamental changes to our nation's gun laws a decade ago. Yet here we are, 9 1/2 years removed from the shooting at Sandy Hook that took the lives of 26 people, twenty of which were six and seven years old, with another elementary school shooting this time in southwest Texas. Today's contribution to America's gun violence epidemic. What a sad commentary on who we are as a nation. We should be ashamed of ourselves, our elected leaders and of our country. It's both pathetic and embarrassing. We cannot claim the high ground on the world stage as long as this continues unabated.  The first step in fixing a problem is to admit that you have one. We, the United States of America and its people, are in ...

Dawn and I went to Lakeview this afternoon for the dedication of bench the school purchased in honor of Damian. The bench itself is beautiful. A very nice shade of blue, which is fitting since the school colors are blue and orange.  May 23, 2022 - New memorial bench at Lakeview Academy in honor of Damian May 23, 2022 - The plaque that bears Damian's name All of Damian's close friends (minus one) were there along with some of their moms. Also present were some of the teachers and school administrators. After a few solemn words by the (new) headmaster, Mr. Simpson, he asked if Dawn or I would like to say anything. My voice choked by emotion I didn't see coming, I stumbled my way through a thank you to the school for their generosity of spirit in remembering Damian, expressed again how Damian loved Lakeview, and thanked those present for being there. At least I think that's what I said. It's a bit of blur. I then encouraged Damian's friends to have fun on the bench...

Had another good day today. I went mountain biking in the morning with my friend Steve, then the two of us had lunch with a side dish of great conversation. Steve is a super talented musician but writes computer code for a living – we work for the same company. Damian idolized Steve. At least for awhile. After a couple of false starts in school band, first with a flute and then with a tuba, Damian finally found his calling playing the drum. While he was far more excited to learn to play the drum(s) than the other two instruments, I could tell that he wasn't thrilled with the moribund music selection that school bands are notorious for playing. I mentioned this to Steve one day at work, adding that I was afraid it was only a matter of time before Damian wrote off learning how to play an instrument all together. It was at this point that Steve turned me on School of Rock.  I don't know which came first: the movie "School of Rock" or the music schools of the same name. M...

Dear Damian,  Hey. So your mom and I are going to Alaska in a few weeks. We fly to Seattle the day before my birthday and then – don't fall over – we get on a cruise ship the following day (also in Seattle). I know I said that I would never get on one, but I decided to make an exception for Alaska. Ellen, our friend from college, will be on the ship with us. Ellen's husband Michael will also be on the boat, but he'll be working most of the time. Michael is head of hospitality on the ship. That means he's in charge of all the guest rooms, restaurants, bars, pools, onboard entertainment, etc. I'm guessing we might get a free dessert during our stay. I don't know if I ever got a chance to impart this kernel of wisdom before you left but always remember that who you know can sometimes be way more valuable than what you know.  This evening mom and I had dinner at Patricia and Herb's house over in Oakwood. Willi and Anita were also there. We had a nice time. One t...

I had a really good day today. John called around lunch time to ask if I'd like to play golf with him late this afternoon. I said yes without thinking about it. I'm not a golfer. The last time I picked up a club was a year ago when I went to the driving range with my brother. I'm so glad that I accepted John's invitation. It felt great to be outside. I didn't realize how much I needed to get out of the house until I was on the second or third hole. We played nine holes in two hours after which we went to dinner. The restaurant was so so, but my dinner companion more than made up for that. John and I had a really good talk. Meaningful. There doesn't seem to be much that we discuss. I hope this lasts for many years to come. The openness and honesty in our dynamic is refreshing and welcome.  Over the course of my life, I've gotten really close to only a handful of people. With only a couple of notable exceptions, everyone that I ever truly confided in has ghost...

We pulled the trigger last night on Alaska. I bought the plane tickets (ouch!) and Dawn booked the cruise. Another trip to look to forward to. Hopefully COVID doesn't mess it up.  I was watching the news last night and one of the CDC's infection disease experts said that all the current models show COVID cases climbing rapidly for the next four weeks. Ironically, this is exactly the same length of time between now and the start of our trip. Nothing I can about it so I'm going to try really hard to put it out of my head. My monkey brain may have other ideas, but there again, I can't control everything. With this trip to Alaska I will have knocked another state off my list; all that will remain are: Idaho, Montana, and Vermont. I'm feeling optimistic that I will visit these three in the next couple of years... Had lunch today with Lakeview's outgoing headmaster. We've become friends as a result of Damian dying. Kirsty has been incredibly supportive from the mo...

I just completed a three day training class. The days were long but the content was good so worth the time invested. Part of me wishes that I could just turn work off for a month and spend those days taking more classes.  Of course that's never going to happen – tomorrow it's back to the salt mine.  This evening I'm going to chill and do...nothing. Just like last night and the night before that. Dawn says that I'm too hard on myself. She' probably right – she usually is – but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm mostly just occupying space without providing much benefit to myself or those around me. Is that true? What's weird (interesting?) is that I don't think about this or feel this way until I sit down to write my blog posts. That's when the negative stuff wants to flow out of me. The rest of the day I'm fine. Or at least I feel fine. So which is the real me? The person who is ok for 98% of the day or the sad sack writing thi...

I feel empty inside. Just a big bowl of "meh". My drive to do much of anything all but gone. Yeah, I get up every morning and walk down to my office to go to work, but there is no enthusiasm in it. Same goes for most of my non-working time. I mostly sit on the couch and watch TV. This is not like me. I used to be very active – I worked out regularly – but now I just sit, feeding my monkey brain an endless supply of YouTube videos.  COVID is likely a contributing factor to my malaise. Being home home all day, every day isn't great for me. I need to be around other people, like physically in the same room with them. There is something about the energy of being physically near someone that, for whatever reason, charges my batteries. What's interesting is that it needs to be a person, or people, that I'm comfortable with. That means being with people that I already know. There are a couple of exceptions but 95% of the time this is true. Conversely, I do not find any c...

My monkey brain was working extra hard yesterday. I was mowing the lawn so it had time to roam. (Free-range monkey brain?) It came up with all kinds of crazy-ass "what if" situations. The weirdest one (by far) started off like this: What if the police come knocking on our door demanding to speak to Damian. Here's how the scene unfolded in my head.  Door bell rings, I answer. There are two Gwinnett county police offers on the front stoop with stern looks on their faces.              Me:      What can I do for you officers?      Cop #1:       W e need to speak to your son. It's important.              Me:       Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. Can you tell me what this is about?      Cop #1:      Your son was seen vandalizing the property of one of your neighbors. They have it  on video so the evide...

This afternoon Dawn and I had lunch with Michelle and Randall at their home in north Georgia. They lost their son in July of 2020. I'm glad that we went today. I think it was good for all four of us. We were able to talk and share with the implicit understanding of having gone through a similar trauma. A horrible bond to share, but that's what we have. The starting place of our acquaintance. It's something that, over time, we can build on. Today was the first but important step in getting to know one another. I look forward to our next meeting for Michelle and Randall seem to be genuinely nice people... Dawn had a rough go of it today. This morning was especially hard for her. Lots of tears. I suspect this was due to the surge of emotion that seems to follow a return home after being away for a few days. As Dawn was just in Iowa where most of her focus was on her mom, it stands to reason that Damian got pushed to the back. The surge in this case was likely inevitable. I thi...

I went with Dawn to Lakeview's graduation ceremony late this afternoon. I'm glad we went. The class valedictorian, Garv, mentioned Damian in his commencement address. I was touched. Dawn was, too. We didn't know that Garv was going to do this, and as far as I know, no one knew that we were coming. That said, it's safe to assume that this wasn't for our benefit.  It makes me both proud and sad that Damian's legacy can be used like this – to inspire people to treat others better, to serve as an example of how to be kind to one another. It should be obvious why I would be proud of this, but my reason for being sad is probably less so. It's because it took Damian's dying to make this possible. If he were still alive, his name wouldn't have come up today. He would not have been mentioned at all. But he is gone and life goes on. Garv's, those of his fellow classmates, their families and friends, and mine and Dawn's.   I think for many of those kids...

The end of another week. It's hard to believe that we're nearing the six month mark, but here we are with June 11th only four weeks away. My birthday is June 17th so only 6 days separate the two occasions. On the one hand I wish there was more time between them but at the same time I don't think it really matters. I've already let it be known to my mom, my aunt and my wife that I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. Nope. Full stop. Just NOT feeling it... But maybe denying others the opportunity to celebrate my birthday is the easy way out. Hiding from it,   acting like it's just another day, as a way to avoid living those moments of my life that are supposed to be joyous, celebratory. But what am I really hiding from?  In a word, guilt. And probably a little bit of shame. If I skip my birthday, I won't have to worry about feeling guilty for letting others make me the center of attention or for enjoying myself as a result. And feelings of of shame ...

Dawn comes home tomorrow night. I'm relieved that I only have to wait one more day. Clearly we can survive apart from each other but now it's time for us to be together again. I've had enough time apart... On Saturday we are going to Lakeview's graduation. I have mixed emotions about this. It will be good to celebrate the end of high school for Damian's friends Julia and Bennett – I'm sure that Damian would be going to the graduation himself were he still here – but I also feel like we're hanging on. Or it may be that I worry other people will see it that way, the desperation of two people who can't let go. I know that I shouldn't care what other people think, but a part of me can't turn that off. At least not fully.  On Sunday we are having lunch with a couple that lost their adult son two or three years ago. We met Michelle and Randall at the first group session we attended about six weeks after Damian died. We texted with Michelle a few times ...

As I was winding down from last night's attack of grief, I remembered something I had written a few weeks ago. Something to the effect of: "You can either be a cork on grief's ocean, getting tossed around by its whims, or you can grab the tiller and steer yourself towards the calm." The point being that I (we) have a choice as to whether I let grief control me or I take control over my life. I consciously chose to be in control. While I know this was the correct decision, it does not make me immune to hitting a rough patch.  Like the one that blind sided me yesterday.  Today has been better. No rogue waves of grief trying to knock me over. It does get hard though. The timing, intensity and duration of the next assault all unknown. Will it be a week from now or a month from now? Will it be all day or only a few hours? I try to push it out of my mind – it gets easier to that with time and experience  – but it's always there, in the background, niggling at me. Much i...

I hit a really rough patch a few hours ago. Had to pull the rip cord and talk to Andrea. That helped but I still feel really sad. I think it's this place.  Wilmington is the source of a lot of good family memories. This is my first time here since Damian died so it's understandable that the flood of memories unleashed by being here combined with the constant awareness that there will be no new ones – at least not for the three of us – are pulling me down. So I spoke to Andrea. Her counsel was to go back to the basics: eat, drink, fresh air, write, talk, sleep. I've done all except the last. Collectively, they have helped, the sharp edges of today having been sanded off, my fall into the abyss checked.  I also know that tomorrow will look much better,.. Yesterday, Dawn received a text from Damian's girlfriend Lara that included these two poems that were written by some classmates in remembrance of Damian.                    ...

Dear Damian,  Greetings from Wilmington. I'm visiting Aunt Emily. She misses you and wishes you were with me. With us.  We just got back from dinner. We went to the Cape Fear Seafood Company. The last time we came to Wilmington the four of us had dinner there. (You really liked it.) I didn't remember it at first but once we pulled into the parking lot, it came back to me. It's in this unassuming little strip mall, just another unremarkable store front in a row of unremarkable store fronts. Fortunately, it's what's inside that counts. My meal was really good. It would have tasted better though if you or your mom had been here with us.  On the way back to Emily's from the restaurant, I remembered this is where we would always go to the Army / Navy surplus store. That made me sad. Another one of our traditions that I'm not sure I can continue on my own.  It's actually hard being here without you. I know how much you liked Wilmington. I know a lot of that is...

Today is Mother’s Day. Not surprisingly, Dawn and I did not celebrate the occasion. Instead we elected to spend the weekend with our parents - she with her mom and dad in Iowa, and me in North Carolina with my mom and also my aunt - mom’s sister.   I know that mom appreciated me being with her this weekend and today. She is by herself most of the time, admittedly mostly by her choice. She recently had to put her cat to sleep so she was going to be totally alone this weekend if I hadn’t come to visit. Yesterday, I took her to Lowes to buy mulch which we then brought home to spread around her front garden. We didn’t get enough the first time, so we repeated the drill this morning. Looks better now.  Being in mom’s house was mostly ok but it was…painful at times. There are pictures of Damian displayed in different rooms of her house, many of which are accompanied by pictures of Damian’s two cousins, my brother’s sons. Looking at the pictures gave me feelings of “have not” and ...

It’s been raining the last 3 hours. This is too long. I can feel the gloom that came with the rain enveloping my psyche. I don’t like this feeling, like being lost in the woods, alone. My mind goes places it probably should not. I miss Damian most when it’s like this. I can’t explain why. The rain itself holds no special significance in terms of my shared memories with Damian. I used to enjoy rainy days. I would look forward to the gray skies, the drumbeat of the rain hitting the roof and windows. Rainy days provided the perfect excuse to stay inside and read a book, preferably something new. Back when bookstores were still a thing, Dawn and I would make a point of going to Borders or Barnes & Noble on a rainy day and losing ourselves. After a couple of hours, we would walk out weighted down by the heft of several new books apiece. We did this with Damian a few times, too. When he was younger. All of this seems like a distant memory now. The bookstores are mostly gone, and the gray...

I've been fixating on a photo of Damian for the last few days. The picture is not recent, but something about it keeps pulling at me.  September 19, 2020 - Damian in his element I think what draws me in is Damian's serene intensity. He is focused but not tense; in control but unphased by the speed of the wind, which blows his hair back, or the heel of the boat. He is dressed for cooler weather but not cold.  When I daydream about Damian I see him like this – looking ahead, comfortable with his surroundings, the hint of a knowing smile evident on his pursed lips. He is in control with where he is going but only he can say where that is. I want to join him in this place, but know that I cannot. Instead, I settle for looking at this picture, my portal into this other world where Damian still sails the waters of his life. 

Tired tonight. Long day. Got up early to drive to mom’s house. Made a bunch of calls on the way - some work, some not.  Worked all afternoon but it was time well spent. Looks like we may have a landed a new customer in New Zealand as a result of what I and colleague did today. Go team. Spent some quality time with mom after that. I know that she appreciates me being here. I’m glad for that. Hopefully these feelings will last the weekend. Happy Mother’s Day.  Had a couple heart-squeeze moments this afternoon,  my breath catching in my throat. It was just the realization sweeping over me for the millionth time that Damian is gone. These were brought on by the memories from the last time I was here popping into my head. I’m surprised by the amount of detail that I’m able to recall. It was nearly five months ago, but a lot of it feels like it just happened yesterday. I wonder if my brain is holding onto these memories more tightly since they were created so close to when Dami...

I am upset with myself. I just realized that I don't have a lot of quality videos of Damian. What got me here was the need to hear Damian's voice again.  Dawn mentioned something in the car this afternoon about preserving the personalized voicemail greeting from Damian's cell phone. As she said this I realized that I hadn't heard his voice in several months. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this the rest of the evening.  When I got home, I started looking through my computer for videos of Damian. What I found was disappointing. Most fall into one of two categories: either no talking at all or high school speak with his friends. He made several selfies - does that term apply to videos of oneself? - but he hardly speaks in them. It's mostly him giving the finger to the camera and making weird faces. You know, the kind of stuff adults look down on but that teens think is cool.  I want to hear the son that I remember. To listen to the deep tenor of his voi...

I want to bitch about the sailing club again. (Oy veh! Not again.)  More specifically, I want to yell and scream about one person who is seriously out of line. But not being a fan of beating dead horses, I will refrain from going off. I've belabored this enough.  Andrea has a good metaphor for this:  I'm the landlord of an apartment building with 100 apartments. I have a mix of awful tenants that I should simply evict and perfect tenants that I want to keep – very black and white, no shades of gray. The important question is: What number of apartments are the awful tenants taking up?     The larger the number the more important it is to kick them out. (Metaphorically speaking.)  The number I came up with yesterday morning was 20 to 30. Too high, right? Time to start knocking this number down. I think the best way for me to do this is to stop reacting to the BS like last night and simply work around it. Ignore those who cause me grief and gravitate to those ...

Dawn and I are splitting up. Going our separate ways. It was inevitable but here we are.  I first met Dawn the summer of 1987. We worked together at a YMCA camp in northwest Iowa. While we knew each other, we weren't close. We traveled in different circles. Not really giving any thought, we went our separate ways once the last week of summer camp was over. Only to run into each other a couple weeks later on the Iowa State University campus. We both had an early morning physics class so we sat next to each other. We went on a couple dates that fall but it didn't stick for whatever reason.  Fast forward to a year later and she was now living a couple of blocks from my fraternity house where we happened to bump into each other again. She was walking to her apartment and I was doing who knows what. After some pleasantries she invited me to come to a party at her place that weekend which I did. We both had a good time and started hanging our more frequently eventually becoming a co...

Sad day today. Early this morning Dawn received at text from an old girlfriend, Jennifer, with some terrible news – Jennifer's husband David died yesterday afternoon without any warning. Dawn being Dawn, she rushed into action and was on her way to Jennifer's house within 15 minutes of receiving the text. I think that says a lot about where she is on her journey with grief.  We've known Jennifer, David and their kids, Ben and Addy, for eight or nine years. Damian was enrolled in the same elementary school as Ben (and later Addy). Jennifer and I served on the Parent Teacher Board together. She and I got to know each other first but once she met Dawn they became good friends. They did a lot together for awhile but after we all left McGinnis Woods they didn't stay in regular contact. After Damian died, Jennifer and Dawn had been texting back and forth trying to arrange a time to meet for lunch. If I understand correctly, they were planning to meet sometime this week.  I me...