Shattered Glass

It's hard to control my monkey brain. Without any help from me, it likes to think weird stuff. Today it was all about "what ifs".  For example: What if Damian hadn't died? What would he be doing now? And then my mind races off considering all kinds of different possibilities. Damian is wrapping up his end of year school projects, stressing about finals and complaining about both and school in general until the last day of the term. He is buying "cool" stuff on Amazon for his computer or his car. He is sailing on Wednesday nights and some weekends. We are in Charleston this weekend for their big annual regatta. This then leads me to wondering how things would have changed for Dawn and I had nothing out of the ordinary happened all those weeks ago. Some of it is easy to see: Dawn and I did not take trips to New Mexico, Colorado, and Arizona. Sarasota happens but Dawn doesn't go; it's just me and Damian. None of the house projects are done. We don't...

Still feeling raw about the sailing club. I just can't shake the anger that I have over how they have mismanaged things since Damian died. It all boils down to one simple fact: they have done nothing to honor him or preserve his legacy.  I did the math today. Damian was a presence at the club from age 6 to 15 3/4. Almost a full decade!. From the time we joined the club in 2012 until his death at the end of 2021, Damian spent a LOT of time there. Not just showing up to play in the lake time either. He was there for training, regattas, series events, social events, etc. For the last 3 years, almost all of his racing was against other adults. And to this day, there has not been one mention of him in any club or fleet correspondence. Nothing. No outreach to me or Dawn to see what the club can be done to honor him.  While I'm trying desperately to preserve his memory for as long as possible, it appears the members of the sailing club have already moved on or just forgotten him. It ...

Do I expect too much from people? Once again, I'm really annoyed with the sailing club or, to be fair, a person in a leadership position at the sailing the club.  After nearly 3 months of complete radio silence from anyone regarding the memorial fund being set up in Damian's name, I decided today to take action and sent emails to the two people who could shed light on that status of this. I heard back from both. The short version is that money was given to the club back in February to put into the fund, paperwork had been filed with the government and apparently accepted. And then nothing. Zip. Nada. Only now that I reached and asked did the person ostensibly in charge of overseeing the memorial fund send me the updated charter and ask me to give it another read. Which begs the question: how long would this have sat idle had I said nothing? Hard for me not assume the worst and think "forever".  Once again, people demonstrate to me through their action, or in this case...

Every now and then I stumble across something that, for one reason or another, makes me do double take.  Last night I experienced a moment like this when I came across the following passage while reading before bed: "Long after the firefly had disappeared, the trail of its light remained inside me, its pale, faint glow hovering on and on in the thick darkness behind my eyeballs like a lost soul.  More than once I tried stretching my hand out in that darkness. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond their grasp."   From the novel Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami My heart skipped a beat the first time I read this, my mind immediately drawing the parallel between the words on the page and the experience of losing Damian. It was like the author had written these words knowing what I was going to feel and why.  While I, or we, never called Damian  "firefly" they are, in one aspect, largely interchangeable. Firefly was the name Damian gave t...

This May will mark 18 years since I moved to Georgia. From Nebraska! That's a long time to live in one place. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about where Dawn and I will go next, after Georgia – I'm getting restless; ready for something new. I've never loved Georgia but I don't hate it either. Not anymore. I did for awhile but that was because I wasn't prepared mentally for what I was doing when we move here. I thought I was, but I was naive. I'd lived in Omaha for 23 years and took a lot for granted. Like the ease and convenience of getting anywhere regardless of the day of the week or the time of day. Or the simplicity of navigating its airport, Eppley Airfield. (Five minutes from parking garage to gate was very doable; it if was busy, ten minutes.) The midwestern sensibility and pragmatism. Here, south of the Mason-Dixon line, it felt like everything and everyone was different. It took several years to make the adjustment but I'm glad that we stuck i...

"We never get past our grief. We just learn to live with it." I've seen this written in several of the grief books we were given after Damian died. I've also heard one or two parents express this sentiment during group sessions. Maybe it's premature for me to weigh in on the veracity of this axiom, but it feels right. I won't ever forget Damian or stop feeling the sorrow and the longing brought on by his absence. Having said this, I do believe there is a difference, however, in processing one's grief versus just living with it.  I made a decision early on that I was not going to hide from my grief or to simply "live with it". I could have quit my job, quit my marriage, quit my life. I could have easily started drinking again. (Who would hold that against me?) Instead I went the opposite route. I sought professional help and took to heart the instructions that were given to me by the person I entrusted to show me how to rebuild the foundation of m...

Another memory of Damian by one of his classmates that was shared with us not long after Damian died.  Dear Mr. and Mrs. Beisner, As I came to Lakeview, Damian was one of the first people I had met. He was a great friend, defending those close to him, and finding peaceful solutions when problems arose. I sat next to him in AP World History and would compete against him in Slope instead of doing classwork, and if our teacher ever came over we would minimize the window and act like we were doing classwork. To me Damian was the perfect example of a friend, and he taught me how to be a better person to those around me.  Sincerely,  Malachi Malachi,  Thank you for sharing your memory of Damian. He was great at doing what he wanted vs. what he as supposed to be doing. There were a couple of times that I caught him gaming online when he was supposed to be in class via a Teams call. This happened in the first month after the start of the Covid lockdown. I was sharing my home...

I thought of Damian today without getting sad. Not the first time I've done this, but today was different. It felt like I was at peace with his absence. Maybe it's wrong to feel this way so soon, but I didn't. Not today at least. There will still be days with pain and sadness, and probably some with guilt, but I'm taking this one day at a time. And today was a good day.  Dear Damian,  Your mom and I are having some major landscaping done at the house. We had all the bushes in the front of house pulled out. Literally all of them; except for the ones in front of the garage, they are still there. They also took out the Osmanthus. That was the really tall bush in the back corner of the house by your old bedroom.  Oma and grandpa gave your mom and I the Osmanthus as a house warming gift (I think). I don't know how tall they are supposed to get, but it really did well where we planted it. It was just about to reach the gutter, so that means it had to be close to 20 feet. ...

Today has felt pretty normal. Haven't thought much about Damian today. At least not yet. I was on several phone calls this morning and then had lunch with my friend and colleague John. Dawn came to lunch with me. We had a good conversation. Damian's name got dropped several times in the context of comparing the behavior of someone else with his. "Damian was like that, too." is a good example of what I mean. It was all very normal, almost like he never left. I think this was good. Healthy, even. Feels like progress.  Last night Dawn and I attended our first group grief session that wasn't affiliated with Andrea's practice. It was a small group, only 10 people in total. We were an eclectic bunch – 7 woman, 3 men; 8, maybe 9, over the age of 50 1 person in their 20s; and 1 minority. One thing did stand out for me: With the exception of Dawn and I, and a mom and her son, everyone there last night was by themselves. From the ensuing discussion, I gather that many o...

Later this evening Dawn and I will be attending our first meeting of  The Compassionate Friends (TCF). Although this will be our second group counseling session, tonight will be different.  For starters, we are going to a location that is new to us. This meeting is at a community center in Lawrenceville rather than at our counselor's office in Gainesville. Andrea, our grief counselor, will not be there. The group we are meeting with tonight is not affiliated with Andrea's practice. As such everyone we meet tonight will be a stranger to us. The only thing that I know going into tonight's meeting is that we all have one horrible life experience in common. Our new tribe.  One thing that makes me apprehensive about tonight is the possibility the meeting will be steeped in religion. According to TCF's charter this should not be the case, but I'll breath easier once I've sat through an entire meeting free of any prayers or scripture readings. Not my thing and it never...

Today was a relatively good day. My anger from yesterday was mostly gone by the time I woke up this morning. (Yeah, sleep!) I had a good call this afternoon with a customer prospect that is getting very close to contract negotiations, and Dawn and I went for a nice walk in the park. And without dumb and dumber this time. It was a good day to be outside. A little on cool but low humidity. I'm looking forward to this weekend and spending more time outdoors. Pretty sure that I'll fire up the lawnmower on Saturday... As we are well into the back half of April, I'm sitting here wondering what our summer plans would have been had we, you know, never left the Before. There would have been a trip to Iowa but I don't know if Damian or I would have gone. Damian probably, but me probably not. It would have been a lot easier on Dawn since Damian would have been able to handle part of the driving. After Iowa I don't know what we would have done. I'm not sure that we would ha...

Feeling really angry right now. Things started getting under my skin early this afternoon and then one by one more things kept adding to it. Now I feel like I'm about to erupt.  We have two dogs – Jasper and Griff. They are both Soft Coated Wheaton Terriers. Griff is a sweetheart of a dog; Jasper is obnoxious and stupid. This morning I told Dawn that I wanted to go for a long walk this afternoon. She said sure and then suggested that we go a park that we hadn't been to in a very long time. It's close to the house and has a small lake in the middle. There is a trail around the lake that is probably 3/4s of a mile long. We used to go there quite often when Damian was really young as there is a nice playground that he enjoyed.  When we got ready to leave for the park this afternoon, I asked Dawn if we should bring the dogs. She said that we should take them because they could also do with a walk. Oh how I wished we'd left them at home. Because the park we went to was new t...

It's windy today. For the first time in months I thought about going to the sailing club and getting on a boat.  The club owns three small catamarans – Hobie Waves – that are well suited to windy conditions. By windy, I'm talking 15 knots* and up. Anything below that and these boats hardly move. But above that, they come alive. Once I figured this out, I would always keep an eye on the wind forecast. If it was going to blow hard, I made a point of going to the club. It was my equivalent to "...Surfs up!" The stronger the winds, the more enthusiastic I was to go. Ideal wind speeds are between 20 and 25. Much above that and I need the extra weight of another person onboard to keep the boat upright.  *A knot is speed measured in nautical miles rather than statute miles. A nautical mile is 800 feet    longer than mile.             -  1 knot (kts) = 1.15 miler per hour (mph)          -  15 kts = 17.3 mp...

Bad juju today between me and Dawn. She is angry with me and I'm angry with her. The "whys" are not important; it's just one of those days where we are on different wavelengths that want to cancel each other out. For now we've retreated to different corners of the house in order to give this tempest the time it needs to dial down. Maybe not the most mature response but it tends to be the option with the least amount of risk. When we get like this and try to talk it through, things have a tendency to go from bad to worse. Much in the same way that struggling in quicksand will make you sink that much faster and deeper. Better to relax and wait it out. It's hard not to push back though.  I'm glad that we are going to see Andrea first thing tomorrow morning as I don't want these bad feelings between us to linger. We've both repeatedly acknowledged how important it has been throughout this ordeal to have each other's support and love. I still need i...

Spent some time in Damian's room this afternoon. I wanted to go through some of the dresser drawers and sort things. Keep? Donate? Toss? Undecided. It takes time. Some of it is easy. Some of it not so much. There were moments when I wondered (worried?) if I would find anything unsavory or unsettling. I didn't, but I did find a sheet of paper with this poem on it:                I've met enough people.                Seldom a human being.                Therefore, I will wait –                until my life's purpose                is fulfilled                 and you will come.                 Though there is anguish             ...

Today was better. Thankfully. All in all a rough week so I'm glad that it's almost over. The forecast for this weekend is calling for lots of rain. I would prefer sunshine but I can't control the weather so rain it is. I will need to stay busy so that I don't let the gray skies pull me down again.  Here are some memories of Damian by his classmates that were shared with us: Damian was in my biology class. He sat in the back of the room with Adam and Miles and Lara and Scott and they were always cracking each other up with jokes. Ms. Corbin always called on Damian to answer questions because he was extremely intelligent and insightful.  I am not very good with computers so every time my laptop stopped working, [Damian] and Scott and Adam would always help me fix it. He was always a joyful presence in a stressful class. Last week we did an experiment in Bio where we drank tea that took the sweet taste in food away. I remember we were all trying broccoli and it tasted so b...

Yo-yo. If you asked me to describe this week, yo-yo would be a good word for it. Up and down. Or more accurately, neutral and down.  Tuesday was my big down day. Yesterday was back to neutral. Today was back down although not as far thankfully as Tuesday. Unfortunately, Dawn also had a rough afternoon today. We were coming back from her office and I made an offhand comment about resigning from the sailing club. Something about how I said it just took the wind out of her sails. That's what life is like now, though – fragile. There are the obvious triggers but so many hidden ones as well. I just never know when I'm going to step on one, either for me or for Dawn. A poor night's sleep is, as I have learned, a bad omen. Whenever this happens, especially to Dawn, prepare for trouble. What would, under "normal" circumstances, roll off without issue, becomes considerably larger when viewed through the haze of a tired brain. All it takes is one thing, however minor, to se...

Today was a much better day than yesterday. What a relief. I was feeling a little better late last night, but there is no substitute for a good night's sleep in terms of one's mental health and emotional well being... Helping to make today that much better, I sold Damian's car this afternoon. The buyer, Sam, is a young college student who needed to replace his last car which, if I understood correctly, had been totaled in a recent accident. He used the insurance money to pay for the GTI. Because I liked Sam, I met his price without pushing back. He seems like a really nice, upstanding young man, an opinion that I came to not long after our initial text exchanges and which was reaffirmed today when we met face-to-face for the first time. I shared with Sam that I had held onto the car because he had made a such a good impression. I had had another opportunity to sell the car earlier in the week, but I declined, pinning my hopes on Sam. I'm glad I did. It just felt "r...

Had a really tough day today. The sense of loss and sadness was profound. So much so that I had to opt out of work for most of the day.  Andrea was kind enough to meet with me (and Dawn) late this afternoon which helped a little. I know that what I really need is a good night sleep but seeing Andrea helped eat up a couple hours and got me that much closer to being to put my head on the pillow. It is such a relief to have Andrea in my corner. (In our corner.) She is truly special. Same goes for Dawn. She is my rock when I need her to be, like today. So why today? It's been a long time since I had a day anywhere as bad as this one. I think that is actually part of it, the not having a really bad day for a long time. The feelings of loss and sadness are in me all the time, they just don't rise to the surface that often. As a result, I think the pressure builds until it finally releases in a great upheaval that leaves me off kilter and reeling, not unlike an actual earthquake in te...

Posting this a day late. I was exhausted last night after signing off from work. Just didn't have the energy... Since Damian died, I find that my attitude towards certain aspects of my life has changed. And not necessarily for the better, I'm afraid.  I've already talked about sailing and sailboat racing so I won't belabor them now other than to say that I have almost no interest in them. At least not here on Lake Lanier. I no longer have any desire to workout. None. When I think about it at all, my mind always goes back to the same thought: "What's the point?" I also don't seem to care as much about what I eat as I did in the Before.  This past weekend, while Dawn and I were in Sarasota, I ate gelato and Tiramisu (on separate occasions). It's been several years since I ate anything remotely that decadent, but there I was happily shoveling in the calories. Again, the prevailing thought being, "What difference does it make?" Makes for a ni...

Heading home now. Wish I was already there; I’m super tired. Didn’t sleep well last night apparently.  This was a good trip. I really felt like I was able to enjoy myself and didn’t feel guilty for it. Not sure I would declare this to be a “breakthrough” or a “victory”, this was just a good trip. Who knows, the next one I (or we) go on may be a disaster. I don’t think that will happen but I can’t rule out the possibility. It’s also worth mentioning that Dawn and I don’t have any other trips planned, this trip to Sarasota was the last one on our calendar. There have been some cursory discussions about making a trip to Iowa to visit Dawn’s parents this summer, but so far we’ve only kicked around some possibilities, nothing beyond that. It will happen, I just can’t say exactly when other than narrowing it down to June or July.  ***** Damian,  Mom and I went to the Mote Marine Laboratory & Aquarium. It was pretty good. The coolest thing they had were manatees (x2). They a...

Had a really good day today. Dawn and I left our AirBnB just before 8AM and got a lot done over the next 4 hours. We went for coffee at a local coffee shop, went for nice walk on Siesta Key Beach, went to the Sarasota farmers market (and bought some cheese) and had a yummy lunch followed by some gelato. A couple hours after getting back to the rental cottage, a girlfriend from college, who Dawn and I are both close to, came over to hang with us for the day. Ellen and her husband Michael live just north of Tampa so relatively close to where we are staying. (Michael is out of town so Ellen came alone.) Ellen was Dawn’s maid of honor. (For reference, Dawn and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary this August.) I’ve always really liked Ellen. She is pretty laid back but also doesn’t pull her punches. If you get on her nerves, you’ll know because she will tell you. While we kind of lost touch for a few years, we did reconnect with Ellen a few years ago. I think it was spring break 2018 when...

I went sailing today for the first time since Damian died. It felt good to be back on the water again. I do not, however, feel the need to go sailing back home on Lake Lanier. Anywhere but there… When discussing what we wanted to do while we are in Sarasota, Dawn and I had talked about renting a boat for an afternoon. Here’s the twist though – we were looking at renting a motorboat! That is SO not us. Last Sunday I went as far as trying to reserve one for an afternoon but that didn’t work out because the boats were already booked for this weekend. It was probably for the best since it was really windy today. As such, the waves on Sarasota Bay were big and plentiful – not ideal conditions in an open motorboat. At least not if you want to stay dry. The sailboat we were on was much better suited to today’s conditions, however, so staying dry was not an issue. I’m not sure how Damian would have felt about today’s cruise. He probably would have enjoyed being on the water but I think he woul...

Dawn and I flew to Sarasota this morning. The flight down was uneventful. A few bumps on the descent, but nothing of any consequence. Once I stepped off the plane and into the airport, I was greeted by a memory of Damian-past.  In February of 2021, Damian and I had flown to Sarasota for a sailing regatta. (Whenever you fly to a regatta, you get to employ the phrase “ I rock starred it” as in “I rock starred it for the Melges 15 regatta in Sarasota.” You don’t get to use this phrase if you drive since, well, everybody drives. Only rock stars get to fly to their gigs.) Not wanting to miss too much work or have Damian miss much school, flying was the best option. So we flew in on a Friday morning and drove with another friend and his son (KC and Kellen) from the airport to the sailing venue. Being back in the airport today was enough to bring back all the memories of that weekend 14 months ago. (If I’d known then what I know now how different would things have been then? Or now?) I wa...

Today I felt the need to connect with more members of my tribe - Parents Who Have Lost a Child. Not sure why I felt this way. But I didn't overthink it; I just went went with it. In my brief time searching the internet I found several organizations that align to this specific circumstance: Grieving.com The Compassionate Friends Bereaved Parents of the USA Grieving Parents The Vilomah Project: Parents Grieving Together I signed up for 2 of these: The Compassionate Friends and the Vilomah Project. I'm not sure about the latter as it appears that it contains information from only one person who I assume is also the site's moderator. I'm not going to give up on it before I give it a chance though. Maybe it has something for me, maybe it doesn't. Only one way to find out...  The Compassionate Friends (TCF) seems to be a much more established community with over 500 local chapters, two of which are reasonably close – one in Johns Creek, the other in Lawrenceville. Looking...

Sailing and sailboat racing played a big role in Damian's life. From age 6 until he died, he spent a lot time engaged in one or the other. I make the distinction between racing and not racing because, while they may appear to be one and the same, they are as different as running a 5K is from going on a leisurely walk.  Concentration, physical exertion, and endurance are all in high demand when engaged in racing sailboats; pleasure sailing not so much. What they have in common is spending time on the water in or on a sailboat, hopefully with people whose company you enjoy, and having fun. While Damian and I both shared a love of sailing, we rarely raced together on the same boat. When we did sail together, it was quite often just for the fun of it. And we definitely had our share of good times on the water. But sailing wasn't the only passion that we shared.  When Damian was around 8 or 9, he came to me one day and told me that he wanted to learn how to ride a dirt bike. I was ...